Friendship: What about when it's hard?

“But I say to you, ‘Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.”   Matthew 5:44-45

Ouch! Really? On the one hand, I don’t think of myself as someone with enemies or even someone who is persecuted (except when I remember back to painful days of vicious bullying in middle school). But then I think of all those days when my heart has ached for a friend to listen, for help to come through my door, for the reassurance that someone cares enough to be near even when my life is discouraging, relentless, overwhelming. This is not just my own heart’s cry. This is a common experience among most of us but especially someone who is facing a crisis.

Those of us who work in ministry with struggling people know that, for most people enduring life-altering circumstances, there is a sense of isolation and loneliness that invades which is often more upsetting than the initial crisis itself. Despite that fact that our family was overwhelmed with support in the early season of Carly’s life, there have also been many days when each of us has felt very alone — even abandoned.  In those moments or seasons, whether our feelings were fair and reasonable or not, these are dangerous thoughts to entertain because they tend to morph into things like bitterness, defensiveness and more isolation. 

We’ve all been there. Maybe you’ve felt forgotten by the world as you struggle with disability or some other adversity. Perhaps you’ve experienced the rejection of a friend, child or spouse. Maybe you have just longed for more or deeper friendships. In any case, you probably understand the insidious progression the mind can take when given opportunity to wallow in disappointment and dissatisfaction, particularly when relationships are involved. 

Navigating relationships is no easy thing. It’s hard to live in community but impossible to live without it. God designed us to need others and commanded us to love Him first and everyone else next. In fact, Jesus said all that mattered in life boiled down to those two things. “But,” you may ask, “what do I do about those people who have hurt or disappointed me? In particular, what do I do about those who are likely to hurt me again…and probably AGAIN after that?” The rhetorical question here is, “Am I supposed to be a doormat and just love and let live?”

Whenever I’m wrestling to find healthy, godly and satisfying answers to my question, “What should I do, Lord?” it helps me to reconsider what God’s ideals are and then find basic principles for living from His good design. 

In the case of relationships, here are some goals I find essential to keep at the forefront of my mind:

Keep God’s standard of holiness (Matthew 5:2-16)

Have a generous heart (Matthew 18:21-35)

Seek reconciliation (Matthew 5:23-24)

From a practical perspective, here are Biblical steps I try to take toward the goals:

• Pray for reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5:17-19)
• Ask God what I should do to please HIM in specific situations and relationships. I’m no longer trying to figure out what will please someone else or make me look good. I’m simply trying to do what is right according to God’s design because I’m increasingly trusting that His way is the only way to be fully effective and satisfied. (Proverbs 16:7)
• Seek everything from God first, the One whose delight it is to surprise me with His presence and overwhelming love. Expect nothing from earthly man who will always fall short. (Philippians 4:6-7, Ephesians 3:16-19)
• Identify godly, healthy boundaries and follow through on them with the same vigor I use to resist sin.  This is a hard one for me! (Proverbs 22:3)
• Saturate my mind with God’s Word and walk away from everything that involves holding a grudge, seeking revenge, harboring unforgiveness, becoming defensive or participating in someone else’s sin. (Romans 8:5-6, Philippians 4:8)
• Pray blessing on anyone who has hurt or disappointed me. I often ask for God’s help to see others the way He sees them. (Romans 12:14)
•  Trust God to be my protector, defender and advocate. Quit trying to do it for myself! (Psalm 40)
• Keep reaching out to serve others, asking for help when it is needed and growing in Christ-centered relationships. I need God’s help to resist my fears, skepticism and sense of vulnerability. (Hebrews 10:24-25)

How about you?

How would your relationships change if you obeyed Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:38-44?

What godly relational boundaries would keep you from participating in sin and allow you to experience freedom in Christ yet enable you to show God’s love to someone who challenges you?

I hope you will take time to read the extra Bible references provided, particularly if you find yourself struggling in any relationship. There are great riches for you in God’s Word! May the Lord bless you as you seek to know His heart and enjoy your community more. 

Tenderness in Transitions

Life has been full at my house this summer with life transitions facing us in all corners.  We've "seen it all" in some respects from coordinating care for aging parents, "middle-aged" health issues of our own and parenting a severely handicapped teenager to sending our second off to college.

I won't pretend this has been an easy season but some of the things that have been challenging about it have surprised me.  For example, Larry and I have struggled being stuck feeling sorry for ourselves because we won't get to experience the flexibility, spontaneity and other benefits that many other "empty nesters" have.  Even though Carly doesn't graduate from high school for another 3 years, our lifestyle won't change as much then as it is now because she will always be completely dependent on us to ensure she's well cared for.  (For readers who don't know, Carly has Angelman Syndrome.)  So the changes we are experiencing this year as our second youngest moves on to college may well be the most significant parenting-related life change we'll have until grandchildren.

Now please don't get me wrong.  We are absolutely DELIGHTED!  We have had such a blast being parents.  We've thoroughly enjoyed every stage, are really excited for our adult daughters and are now having a lot of fun watching their independent lives unfold.  And I'm not afraid to admit I'm looking forward to some "simplicity" at home with fewer mouths to feed, fewer calendars to juggle, less laundry — and even a different kind of quiet.  It's just that it won't even be as easy to run to the restroom or Target when I can't call to one of the girls, "can you please keep an eye on your sister for a minute?"

I'm used to looking for the silver lining in tough circumstances.  I wouldn't say it comes naturally to me to be optimistic but it is a learned skill I am grateful God has been developing in me.  Nonetheless, I've spent a lot of time this summer hiding myself away in the bedroom or on the deck writing in my prayer journal, singing and crying out to God asking Him to move me out of this woe-is-me place that I am so sick of!  

It's been one of those seasons like I experienced when Carly was a few years old and we began to worry that we were wearing out friends and family with our consuming, high-maintenance life.  I became afraid to pick up the phone, meet a friend for lunch or ask someone to pray because I was so wrapped up in my own head that I didn't want to inflict anyone else with it.  Larry and I have to be — GET to be— in this for the long haul but I don't expect others to stick around.  We are humbled and overwhelmed when some do but we don't expect it.  I will say that I believe Jesus would want His people to stick around for each other when life is hard (even if hard lasts a lifetime) but reality often veers from God's good design.

Well, now my dining room is full to the brim with boxes and the U-haul is rented.  We'll head out to make the first dorm delivery in just a few days and I'm relieved to report that I'm feeling tearful but experiencing a sweetness with Jesus that is such a blessing.  I sense him so tenderly allowing me to simultaneously experience weeping and smiling. I've sense Him insisting that I sit with Him in my aching and let Him breathe something new into me.  My mind and body are not easy to slow down.  I tend to hurry through those melancholy conversations with Jesus and spend more time in let's-getter-done mode.  So it's been a gift to be still, soak in His nearness and allow God's Kingdom perspective to move me out of my concerns about the future.

In the background while I write, Clay Crosse's new song "Good Morning Lord" is playing in the background and I'm moved again to tears.  (God has brought Clay Crosse's new CD Rededication to me in His always timely fashion.)  Another tender touch from heaven.

God has also allowed me to see and hear so many special treasures to re-assure me that His loving tenderness has been planted all around me and will continue bearing fruit for years and years to come.  One such moment occurred a few weeks ago as my daughter Erin and I were throwing our last items into suitcases before heading to the airport.  We were going to be attending her college orientation for two days and our oldest, Alex, had offered to stay home caring for Carly. 

While helping Carly dress, Alex explained, "Yup, Erin is getting ready to visit her new school. She's going to be moving to Nashville at the end of the summer.  She'll be a long way away." Carly had been whining but settled into listening with a rather stern look on her face.  She doesn't like to see people around the house packing.

Then I heard the part that made my heart swell — with pride, with love, with a little laughter — at Alex's tenderness and cleverness.  She said, "That so lame. Should we just skip it? Naw! We have to be grown-ups."

What a beautiful picture of Jesus' tenderness towards us when change is hard.  He lets us whine and vent to Him but invites us to hunker into the comfort and empowerment of His teaching and wisdom.  He sets our mind and heart on the bigger picture of things that matter most.  

Things like the profound gift of sisters who love each other very much.

Colossians 3:1-4 and 15-17  Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.  And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Remembering the Shekinah Glory Story

This fall marks five years since Carly's story was published. But Finding Glory in the Thorns is really more than Carly's story. It was one of the ways Larry and I felt prompted to put God's power and presence on display — in our own hearts and lives as well as the hearts and lives of others God allowed us to intersect with during a remarkable experience of community.  Those tumultuous early years of Carly's life with Angelman Syndrome were an incubator for us to soak up encouragement, prayers and practical help while learning profound things about how the loving presence of Jesus is expressed around us today by the power of the Holy Spirit in His people.  

When we see the word "glory" appear in the Bible, sometimes it is referring to the fame or renown of God.  Other times, the original Hebrew word is Shekinah and refers to the actual manifest presence of God. For example, the Divine presence dwelled among the people within the cloud by day and pillar of fire by night as the Israelites were led by God out of Egypt (Exodus 13:21). God met with the priests in the Tabernacle by manifesting His Divine presence when He hovered over the ark of the covenant beneath the wings of the cherubim (Exodus 25:22).  There are many more examples (look them up some time for a richly encouraging reflection on some ways God has revealed Himself to His people over the years).  Best of all, after Jesus' resurrection, we were given the gift of the Holy Spirit (Hebrews 1:3) and with that came the opportunity to experience God's eternal indwelling presence (1 Corinthians 3:16, Ephesians 2:19-22).  Have no doubt, my friends, about the reality of God's power and nearness!  

Over the years, Glory Stories have been a centerpiece of Walk Right In Ministries.  Glory Stories are one awesome way God reassures each of us that we are never alone, how He shows us His Kingdom purposes and how He spurs us on when life gets bumpy.  We are privileged to see that the original Finding Glory in the Thorns (also an eBook now) continues to inspire people to encounter the glory of God in their own challenges.  Participants using the Finding Glory small group curriculum have been spurring one another on towards adventure with Christ throughout the US and in Canada.  The Walking Partners model promotes the sharing of Glory Stories as part of a lifestyle that helps us point one another to Christ.  And Wednesdays have become a day on our blog for featuring Glory Stories from folks around the world just like you and me — people recognizing that there is a beautiful power released from God when His activity within us and around us is spotlighted and declared. 

God is alive!  He cares about you. He is near to you.  And His power will never be subdued.  We have the authority, comfort and guidance of the Holy Spirit and our adventures can be fully embraced when we allow Him to join us in them!

Please consider sharing a Glory Story with us.  And be encouraged to make talking about the power and presence of God your lifestyle!