From Wallowing to Clinging

The tears streamed down my cheeks in anger and sorrow one day last week as I drove home from picking up my daughter Carly at school.  My feelings were both justified and unreasonable. Yet again, disability was wreaking havoc with my plans and delights while causing our precious Carly more discomfort and robbing her quality of life.

I prayed through those tears: “Why can’t I just have all the blessings of disability without all the hassles?”

Why is it so easy for me to have confident faith in the bigger picture of disability but such small faith when it comes to the details — those tedious, daily, monotonous, messy details that make parenting in disability such a slog? I can have such total assurance that God’s sovereign Kingdom purposes are at work in the broader issue of disability yet struggle so much sometimes keeping my chin up through the minutia and seemingly perpetual drip of “little” challenges that face us each and every day.

I tend to throw up my hands and say, “What are you doing here, God? What are you thinking?”

I am not alone. Caregivers all around the world wake up every morning (if they’re lucky enough to have had an uninterrupted night’s sleep) only to hit the ground running with a new day of navigating complex lives and emotions. There’s the 76-year-old husband who goes unrecognized by his confabulating wife with dementia. There’s the bedraggled couple feeling overwhelmed and alone because they can’t sit peacefully through a church service with their wriggling son who has autism. There’s the mom in Belize praying for calm seas so she can give her daughter with brittle bones some gentle swim therapy today. And then there are those who are getting the “break” they didn’t want — like the family in Iowa still tender from the loss of their 4 year old son and brother who had cerebral palsy and passed away of pneumonia last year. 

When I’ve spent another hour supporting the weight of my 115 pound girl who tremors through a bowel movement that just won’t come; when I’ve spent another hour washing clothes, carpeting and upholstery to the point where I want to give up on cleaning and just fanaticize about the makeover people coming with new flooring and furniture; when my husband has spent precious hours on telephones again this week (yes sometimes both landline and cell phone at the same time) and on computers with insurance companies, pharmacies, government websites, social workers — that’s when I sometimes struggle to feel God’s goodness.  I know it but I don’t always feel it.

Nobody likes waiting.

It was in the midst of this kind of self-absorbed wallowing that I opened my Bible study lesson to Matthew 15 and read about the Canaanite woman who begged Jesus to heal her daughter (see verses 21-28). Despite the fact that the woman wasn’t part of the “chosen people,” she was desperate and refused to leave without the blessing of Jesus whom she acknowledged as the Messiah calling Him, “Lord, Son of David.”

But Jesus didn’t respond right away.  In fact, he initially appeared to have ignored her altogether.  I was reminded that His hesitation was not a lack of compassion or ability to heal.  A careful and historical reading of this woman’s experience with Jesus shows that he was allowing their conversation to unfold slowly for a couple of reasons.  First, He was watching her faith in Him awaken to deeper and unshakable levels.  It was as if she was saying like Jacob did while wresting with God (Genesis 32:26), “I will not let you go until you bless me!”

All the while she knelt before him, the Canaanite woman expressed reverent anticipation. And while her conversation with Jesus caught more attention, the faith and understanding among the onlookers must also have grown.  Jesus made the most of this encounter to bring the faith of several people to greater heights.

Ultimately, Jesus commended this woman’s great faith in front of His disciples.  Those onlookers experienced many lessons even as the woman was being richly rewarded with the affections of God and a deep peace as well as a daughter who was instantly healed.

I want to be that kind of woman. I want to be the humble, patient, expectant woman who grabs hold of God’s promises and clings to Jesus on behalf of my family.  I want the rewards of His affection, peace and power!

I’m quick to get busy DOING but not always persistent in CLINGING.  My Heavenly Father delights in my clinging to Him.

Once again, Jesus asks me to BE STILL AND KNOW…

PSALM 46
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

A Different Kind of Birthday

I’m celebrating some things today. You got it. It’s my birthday. It’s been odd for me to think of myself as 48 years old. Part of me feels older than that. Part of me wonders when this happened! Either way, this year feels like a different kind of milestone than other years for some odd reason. Here are some possibilities:

1. Staying fit, healthy and thin is no longer a battle. Now it’s WAR!
2. I find myself praying for my kids’ safety and traveling mercies even more than I did when I first handed them my car keys. (What is this about? Do we get more paranoid as we approach 50 or is the natural pile-on of life experience just giving us a sense of reality-check we didn't yet have at 21?)
3. Apparently, I look less my age than ever. When people find out I’m 48, they just say, “Oh!” then kind of smile in an encouraging sort of way as if they’re thinking “Hm. I thought she might be a little older than that.” I figure I’ve got two more years until I get the "WOW!" response with a hug and "You look great for your age!”
4. I’ve graduated to the bifocals club. I don’t mean those cute readers you buy in the drug store like the ones I heard a little boy begging his mom for in Target the other day. I mean the very expensive kind you have to order special. And I don’t yet qualify for any AARP discount. Thankfully, I’ve managed to adjust to multi-focal contacts. God is good. I can still hide.
5. I no longer have any urge to make my own cake. Whatever I can buy at Nadia’s cakes (gluten free) will suffice.

Now, just to prove I’m not all sarcasm, I do want to share some spiritual fun too!

I love Jewish history and enjoy learning new things about that part of my Christian heritage. A friend showed me how to look up my Jewish birthday! It’s the 29^th of Tevet (5726). Ya. Cool. I have no idea what it really means.

The Torah portion commonly attributed to my birthday (1/21/66, morning in case you're wondering) is Exodus 6:2-9:35 — starting when God spoke to Moses about taking the Israelites out from under the hand of the Egyptians as His special people and deliver them to the Promised Land then continuing through the first five plagues. The realities of God’s grand plan of redemption were unfolding and we see His absolute authority to perform great acts (starting with judgment on Pharaoh). 

Just before this (in chapter 4), we see that Moses’ faith was shaky and he worried about his weaknesses as an appointed leader saying, “I am slow of speech and tongue.” But this gives me great comfort and hope on many levels. God responds saying, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.”  (Exodus 4:10-11)

THE TRUTH: God is sovereign over all things including disability, brokenness, weakness...yes, my "old age" as it comes along too. His design is always good. He takes good care of His children. He is perfect and powerful in my weakness. In my weaknesses, He is shown to be strong. He redeems all those who trust in Him. Because I TRUST IN HIM, there is a Promised Land ahead for me! And even though my faith is shaky sometimes, God is patient and kind. He surrounds me with support, equips me for every good work, and keeps giving me good gifts. He reveals more of His power, presence and goodness as I walk in celebration that there is FULLNESS OF LIFE IN HIS PRESENCE!

For sure, my greatest gift and reward today is the privilege of walking with Jesus. Now THAT really is something worth celebrating!

If it would be fun and spiritually enriching for you to use the Jewish Birthday Calculator, visit this site: http://m.chabad.org/calendar/birthday_cdo/aid/6228/jewish/Jewish-Birthday.htm

Madelyn’s Glory Story “Today’s Tests are Tomorrow’s Testimonies”

Today’s Glory Story comes from Madelyn who has just been given an overwhelming cancer diagnosis but the gift of a great sense of God's purpose. She is embracing what lies ahead in a way that is refreshing and profoundly inspiring to me. Many times over the years, I’ve wondered how I would respond if a doctor gave me such news. Have you wondered the same? Since both of my parents are survivors of aggressive forms of cancer, the possibility of receiving that kind of report seems too real sometimes but, thankfully, so does the hope of leading a thriving life after God’s merciful miracles of healing and protection.

Madelyn’s story reminds us that we need not—must not—be afraid of adversity. Hope rises out of adversity because we live on God’s sure promises and can always anticipate the surprises of His love.  

I’m 63 years old and have been married for 42 years. Mike and I have one stepson, two sons, two daughters-in-law and three granddaughters. I have been physically active most of my life playing tennis, quilting, roller blading, riding bike, etc.

On December 18, 2013, my husband took me to urgent care. I’d had three days of high fever, chest pain, and coughing with what we thought was the flu. When the nurses took my blood pressure it was 89/54 so the doctor insisted I go to an emergency room by ambulance. I was immediately given IV fluids, an array of tests and then, despite my resistance, a CT scan.

The ER doctor explained that I had a large mass growing on my tailbone and he suspected cancer. I was given an MRI and more blood draws to confirm this. Hospital staff said that I must have had angels bring me to the hospital, as most tests would never have shown this tumor. My pain was in my chest and not in the lower areas of my body. The ER doctor just felt “led” to request the CT scan of the pelvis! (Of course we know it was the Holy Spirit guiding him.)

I was given the oncologist’s contact information and told to call in the morning. We met within a few days and a biopsy confirmed plasmacytoma. Then I had a bone marrow biopsy that confirmed multiple myeloma as well. Mike and I have been in shock because the oncologist said this has been growing in me for a couple of years. I’ve had very little pain and thought my lower back pain was from too much tennis!

I’m sharing the details about how I came to find this out because both Mike and I realized it wasn’t us making the decisions and guiding the doctors—it was God! We’ve had tears, disbelief, and lots of questions. We are gaining wisdom about cancer and medical issues that neither one of us ever wanted to learn. But because I know that God is in this life with us, and as I see how He has directed and orchestrated what we couldn’t have thought to do, then I know God is in the rest of this battle called cancer too.

Madelyn has already started radiation and chemotherapy. And God is already breathing life into her testimony. Consider this excerpt from a letter she shared with family and friends just a couple of days ago:

I had asked the Lord to provide hands that need holding and for me to give comfort to others as I began this journey. Today I recognized a man from Trilogy in the chair across the room from me. I went over to him…he and his wife used to live right behind our house in Trilogy. He has lung cancer in both lungs. He said that if this series of chemo doesn't work, they've given him several months to live. Please add this couple (I used to play tennis with the wife) to your prayers.

I got to hold both of their hands and tell them that the Lord is with them and will provide them with healing and hope however that should happen. They said they believed that too. Their daughter also has cancer!

I see how God has provided for me this opportunity to serve Him, praise Him, and be a witness even when life seems to have handed me a "rough road to walk.” ...Isn't God faithful!?!

The verses that I am reading and praying are from Philippians 4:4-9. 

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

I'm looking ahead and not behind me for today's tests are tomorrow's testimonies.

Madelyn told me yesterday, “I’m actually excited to see the opportunities that lie ahead of us in all this! I feel a new boldness yet gentleness about who God is and how I am His dearly loved child! I am looking to Jesus Christ who is the author and perfecter of our faith.”

One of Madelyn’s family members who has struggled with addiction is encountering God too. She shared her excitement with me saying, “It is absolutely God who is at work in the lives and hearts of the people all around me through getting this cancer! So many things are happening that I can hardly take it all in! Praise and honor to God who provided the way of salvation in Christ Jesus!”

WOW. This wife, mother and grandmother is being called out to unknown waters but she knows Whose child she is and her encouragement comes from knowing God is already doing marvelous things with her story. Though her experiences are fresh and raw right now, her heart is fully yielded to God’s ways and purposes. She and her family will need our prayers.

HEAVENLY FATHER, thank you for showing us how intimately powerful You are in the details of our lives. Thank you for showing us Your mighty hand in Madelyn’s proper diagnosis. Please use her experience to soften and strengthen many in relationship toward You. According to your will, we ask for a miracle of complete healing in Jesus’ name! Put the spotlight on Your power and compassion so that doubters are reassured and skeptics can’t help but turn toward You. Thank you for being Madelyn’s strength, comfort, guide and shield. Let her not be shaken, Lord, and equip he for every good work according to the riches she has in Christ. Give her family peace and joy as they walk through this together. Surround them with supporters who will stand with them as practical and prayerful helpmates. We rest in Your faithfulness, Oh Lord!  AMEN